More searching; introspection

As I plot a direction

Down a path that for once I will choose.

Nothing holding me back

End’s in sight down the track

Safe and sound I’ve got nothing to loose.

Seeing clearly a future

As I pull out my sutures

Now the healing can finally begin.

Dare I rattle my fate

Challenge; Deliberate

Hard to see how the story will end.

At least as I go

Of one thing I now know

Some time soon I’ll be back in control.

-=brett=-

Its been two weeks since I decided to finally change my life… and so far, I have to say that I am quite proud of myself.  In a few more weeks, I’ll see where I am, but if the trend continues, and I suspect that it will, I will be right on course.  I just have to keep myself both motivated and disciplined.  I’ll do it!  Moving on…

I am going through a bit of an internal crisis…  Its nothing really personal, just kind of… i don’t know.  I can’t really explain it.  I know that it originates with work.  I walk into work wondering what happened.  Even on the shittiest days at Walmart, I was still happy, somewhat, to be there.  I never really “loathed” it there.  Where I am now, though… I honestly loathe.  I walk in to this repugnant odor of disorganization, miscommunication, dread, and despair.  No one wants to be there… and no one wants to care.  Its unlike anything that I have ever felt or experienced.  It goes far beyond just the “growing pains” being felt by our group and this part of the company.  There is more.  Something darker, something calculated; designed.  I don’t want any part of it.  Unfortunately, I have never really worked in this kind of atmosphere, so I have no good frame of reference, but if this is any indication of the “corporate world” then I say no thanks.  I am not, however, going to give up that easily.  I have never really been one to make impulsive decisions…  Hell, I plan doing laundry!!  So what I am going to do is find another place to try to further my career.  That being said, I recognize that there may be a potential for strong success at my current job, which introduces much doubt in the decision to leave.  I just don’t know.  Its the classic “Damned if I don’t, Damned if I do” scenario.  The good news is that I have learned and experienced SO much that I know that my next job will be a piece of cake!   Ah… cake…  Moving on…

Another layer to my increasing discomfort for my career choice is my other talent.  I grew up singing.  That is something at which I really excelled; I miss it tremendously.  I have, increasingly, begun singing again.  And I want to make that a permanent place in my life.  Granted, it already is… but I want it to have a place and an outlet that goes beyond the shower or the car…  or Wii’s American Idol Karaoke Revolution in the Living Room.  It is somewhat of a passion for me and a part of me that I have neglected for so long that it is slamming at me from the inside with a sledge hammer.  I just want to sing…  and sing alot!   Moving on…

So here I am.  Still in a fog.  Still walking around on some kind of involuntary auto-pilot.  Sometimes I feel like I am not even me.  Like someone else is driving, and I am just the transportation.  The motivation to act, to drive, to get up in the morning for work is not my own.  With one exception:  When I go to the gym, that is me.  I feel like me!!  I look in the mirror and I smile.  I am so proud that, for once in my life, I am really doing something for me – something with meaning.  It makes me incredibly happy.  That is really all I want from life.  Just to be happy.  I have all the reasons in the world to be happy!  A great family, amazing friends, an education, and a path in life, yet here I am.  Not really all that happy.  I am getting there, yes… and I believe that all of my inner turmoil is just my soul’s way of telling me that it is time to begin striving for my happiness.  And I shall.  I have to keep it up, make the changes, and really focus on who I want to be.  I have to let go to all that has me down and begin the process of… Moving on…

-=brett=-